Living in South Korea as a Young Woman: Inequality in Sexual Relationships
At the 17th annual Queer Culture Festival Parade on June 11, 2016 in Seoul Plaza. Fireworks Femi-Action’s “Best Pit Hair Competition” ⓒArang    
※ Editor’s note: To begin a new feminist discourse in 2016, Ilda is running a series on “Living as a Young Woman in South Korea.” The series receives support from the Korea Foundation for Women’s “Funding for Gender-Equal Society.”
 
Different standards of sexual behavior for men and women
 
I masturbate. I knew from a very young age that I could feel sexual pleasure through masturbation. But I could never talk about it to anyone. I thought that I had to keep it a secret forever. Why? Why do women have to hide their masturbation? When men use the lighter, more jokey, more approachable term “jerk off” for their masturbation and use it often? Tell what they look at and how they do it, as if it were a great thing, a hero’s tale?
 
I liked exploring and enjoying my body, but I couldn’t tell anybody about it. Worse, after masturbating, I felt like a sex addict, and struggled with guilt. When I was young, I even prayed to God to make that kind of desire disappear. When the topic of female masturbation came up, men would treat it like something unusual, saying, “There are girls that masturbate?! How horny they must be!” Why might it be that they say, “Men are naturally like that, all of them,” about men’s sexual desire, but react with surprise to women’s sexual desire?
 
Our society and social views have made me into someone who can’t be proud of her sexual desires, who can’t become a sexual subject. Society ceaselessly promotes the idea that women are without sexual desire.
 
I like sex. Before I found feminism, I couldn’t admit this. I felt guilty for being a morally deviant woman. A woman who masturbates? A young woman who has sex with a man who isn’t her fiancé or even her boyfriend? Society defined me as a promiscuous woman. I saw myself that way too. I always found myself thinking, “Is it okay to do this? But I really want to... I seem to be a real slut.” And I was scared that the men I had sex with would think this way. Because I was afraid of being seen as an “easy woman,” I couldn’t give priority to my desires and satisfaction even while I was having sex.
 
I hiding these various feelings and tried to show men only what they wanted to see. And since in our culture, the idea that “for men, the goal of dating is sex” is taken for granted, after we’d have sex, I thought that they’d reached their goal and might abandon me anytime. Even as we had sex, I was constantly monitoring my behavior in order to avoid being treated like an easy woman but also satisfy them so that they didn’t leave me.
 
Looking back, when it came to sex, I think I was no more than a tool for the satisfaction of men’s desires, because I put aside my desires and tried to show men what they want. Doing it like that, I became unable to enjoy sex. It turned into a form of labor for me - acting and emotional labor from which I was thoroughly alienated. It’s probably not just me but many Korean women who find it difficult to enjoy sex.
davidtherobot's fun illustrations.  ⓒdavidtherobot.com    
 
Men ask, “Am I your first?”
 
I used to pretend, when I slept with a new person, that I was a virgin. Really, I had no choice but to pretend I was a virgin even after sleeping with that person a few times. This is something that a lot of straight women will sympathize with. I like sex and have it often, both sober and after drinking, but when I had sex with my boyfriend, I would have to pretend that that was my first time. A few men even asked if they were the first I had slept with.
 
One type of post that often appears on anonymous forums on university websites is from men who’ve just found out about their girlfriend’s “past.” They are having sex with their girlfriend and ask if they are the first, and when they find out they are not or the answer is not clear, they are disappointed, lose affection, feel uncertain about what they should do. These posts appear regularly. With this in mind, when things start to get hot and heavy and he asks, “Am I your first,” how could I say no?  Even if I didn’t answer clearly, I knew that he would imagine all sorts of things on his own. Out of a fear that he would keep asking and asking and start conflict, I would just make a vague “yeah”-like sound.
 
Men seem to think that it’s natural that they would be the first partner of the woman they are sleeping with. Or rather, they want to believe that and think that that is how things should be. They want women who kiss shyly, are startled by a hand inside their clothes, are sensitive to small touches or caresses because of their lack of experience - and yet don’t say no. They really want passive sex dolls that act just like actresses in the porn they watch. Because, in many cases, women know that men won’t be satisfied if they don’t fit that image, they have no choice but to adopt it.
 
I continually had to watch their moods, watch whether I was putting on a good performance. The pleasure I felt was too small compared to the effort I put in. But during or after sex, my partners would ask, “Do you like it?” or, “Was it good?” It isn’t good. It’s uncomfortable. It’s not fun. I’m not turned on. But I couldn’t say these kinds of things. I couldn’t even say, “It was good.” Worried that saying, “Yes! It’s good!” would make me look like a woman who actively enjoyed sex (even though I wasn’t enjoying it right then) and had lots of sexual experience, I would say yes shyly, or “I don’t know.” It’s only recently that I’ve become able to say, “Sex with you is terrible! How can you come so fast? Neither your size nor your technique turns me on!”
 
The emotional labor of faking moans
 
How many women in Korea intentionally do not moan during sex? I think it’s a small minority. Even if I wasn’t really feeling it, I would moan for my partner’s sake, for his pride, to show that sex with him was satisfying. It’s a way of acting like the Japanese porn actresses that men want.
 
A club party where women can enjoy themselves as subjects, not objects. “FemiParty,” held by FemiDangDang on July 8, 2016.  ⓒArang    
One guy that I know believed that kind of moaning and overrated his sexual prowess. When he told me that his girlfriend moaned a ton when they had sex, supposedly because his penis was big and he was good at sex, I didn’t think, “Oh, he must really be sizable and skilled!” Instead, I felt sorry for his girlfriend. How much effort was she putting into her acting? How hard was it for her to do emotional labor even while having sex? Why do women have to be endlessly considerate? That’s the kind of thing I was thinking.
 
Once, when a partner did nothing more than kiss my breasts and genitals a few times and root around in my still-dry vagina with a finger before putting his (small) penis in me, I told him that it hurt. He asked why, and I realized that he wanted me to say that it was because his penis was big. I gathered my courage and said, “Because you didn’t turn me on.” (I think that, even here, I was putting it very nicely for his sake.) But he was like, “What?! Even after I did all that, you’re not turned on?” Had he only seen porn in which all caressing ends in jack-hammering within 30 minutes? There was no love or affection, no effort – men who only engage in foreplay as a step toward insertion are so frustrating.
 
Some men even like to see women in pain during sex. Why is that? Do they take it as proof that their penis is big? Or do they like relationships to have a tinge of force? The feeling that they are “capturing” someone? Is that why rape is so common? Because of men’s strange tastes(?), women have been no more than objects, ways to satisfy men’s sexual desires, during sex. And they moan as if their partner’s penis hurts them.
 
Of course, the reason that I felt pain during sex was that my partner would thrust his penis into me before my vagina was sufficiently relaxed. But women who can say, “It hurts because you put it in before turning me on! Put some effort into it and show some affection!” are probably rare. There are probably also many who don’t even know the reason for their pain. And honestly, if something hurts, you don’t say “ahhh” or “ooh!” but “ow!” And yet, there are times when we have to endure the pain, hold back actual cries of discomfort, and make moans that combine excitement and pain for men’s sake.
 
Men that try to have sex without washing first or using a condom
 
From what I hear from people I know, many think it’s natural not to talk while you’re having sex. I also used to think that if I talked during sex, the flow or the mood would be broken. But if you don’t talk about what position you like or what you most like to have done to you, how can you have mutually pleasurable sex? You’re not telepathic, and so not asking at all, or just doing what you want and then asking how it was, is selfish.
 
Because of the beliefs that women aren’t interested in sex, shouldn’t be interested in sex, and cannot be sexual subjects, I couldn’t talk about positions or preferences during sex, even if I wanted to. In Korea, it is still forbidden for women to speak confidently about their desires and the kind of sex that they want. I too couldn’t speak directly, and instead pointed or pulled with pretend shyness. For example, when I wanted to do it from a rear-entry position, there were many cases in which I would just turn my body over as if I were tired, afraid that saying “I want to do it from behind” would make me seem like I liked sex too much, had done it too much. If I wanted more oral sex, I would move myself upward slightly or lightly push down on my partner’s head.
 
I couldn’t even say that I wanted to have sex. Out of fear that I would seem “easy” or “cheap,” that I would become a sex object instead of a love interest, that sex would become expected on each date. I couldn’t say “I want to have sex! With you!” I had to say, “There’s no one home at my house today...” or “I don’t want to go home. I want to stay with you.” I’ve also leaned my head back while kissing, to the point where it’s hard to breathe, in order to try and get my partner to start kissing my neck and get into foreplay.
At the May 24, 2016 Fireworks Feminist Action demonstration “We’re Still Going to Go Wherever We Want,” a nighttime walk in respone to the Gangnam Station murder ⓒArang    
 
The biggest problem with uncommunicative, unilateral sex is that women can’t demand birth control or cleanliness from their partner. One of my exes touched my genitals with or even inserted his unwashed fingers, in movie theaters and outdoor spaces. If I told him not to, he would say,  “Don’t you love me? I’m doing this because I like you.” He packaged unwanted sexual contact – that is, assault – as love. When I would suggest washing first or wearing a condom, he would refuse, saying that he was too turned on and that washing/putting on a condom would ruin the mood.
 
Many of the women I know take birth control pills because they can’t suggest using a condom (in some cases they are even scared of their boyfriend’s potential anger), get anxious when the day their period is supposed to start nears, consider a pregnancy test when their period is even a little bit late, and cry from all the stress. One of friends got a serious vaginal infection and bladder infection because her boyfriend didn’t wear a condom and put his unwashed fingers and penis inside her. After that, he wore a condom, but often pressured asked her for sex without one. My friend said absolutely not, and that if she had to take birth control, he had to wear a condom. Her boyfriend said, “Why have you become so cold? I see that you don’t love me. Is there another guy?” There are men who hate it if their girlfriend asks them to check whether they have a condom. In this way, there is a staggering power differential in a romantic and sexual relationship that should be equal.
 
I want Korean society to accept the fact that women can – no, must – become sexual subjects, but it may still be too difficult. How much longer will women be treated like sexual tools for men? After learning about feminism, I’ve come to love myself. I’ve become proud of my sexual desires and my body. I hope that more women can have sex for their own pleasure, masturbate, and fulfill their sexual desires healthily and confidently.
[Published Sept. 25, 2016. Translated by Marilyn Hook]
 
 
*Original article: http://ildaro.com/7603
 
◆ To see more English-language articles from Ilda, visit our English blog(https://ildaro.blogspot.com).
Having Sex in a Society That only Recognizes Men’s Sexual Desires